Craving

I go through the same crisis four times a year . . . mid-November, mid-December, late March, and mid-May. It's when I don't know what is where, and when home is a feeling and not a place, and I can rarely grab that feeling and hold onto it like I desperately want to.

There's an RUF minister at Furman University, and he was in a biking accident last week Wednesday. He suffered major head injuries and had a blood clot removed from his brain the day of the accident. His brain keeps swelling and he's in a medically-induced coma, but the swelling isn't going down. His wife calls his voice mail just to hear his voice. He has three children, and dozens upon dozens upon dozens of children who aren't related to him, but whose lives he has touched through RUF. And that's who we are -- children. He's received an outpouring of support, but he isn't conscious to receive it.

It's a beautiful expression of the love of God's community . . . such a beautiful reaction to a tragedy . . .

But I go into this secluded daze because I can't figure out if my home is Chicago or Columbia. And it isn't even Chicago, it's actually Westmont. And when God's community pours out its love to me, I dismiss it.

I have a friend who has become distant of late because his stepmom has cancer and a former classmate died in Iraq. This friend could go to Iraq too. I have a friend who has never felt the confidence we should all deserve to feel, even though she's beautiful, and who wonders if God will ever bring her a date. I have a friend who is withering away, and I don't think it's an eating disorder, but there's something just not normal. I have a friend whose life is intangibly perfect, but it's often in perfection when the most flaws arise, when we settle for perfect mediocrity. I have a friend who won't share what's on her heart, and I wonder sometimes if she wants to, but there's just so much that she doesn't know where to begin. I have a friend whose boyfriend's mom is dying. It feels like her own mom is dying too. I have a friend who left school last semester because she was sick, and she can barely do some of what she wants because she always needs to rest. I have a friend who switched from Journalism to Hotel and Restaurant Management because she took a cake decorating class. If she can make what she eats look perfect, then maybe that will hide a life that isn't.

These are just some of the amazing friends God has blessed me with. I desperately want them all to know how much I appreciate them . . . they do what they can, and more, to make me happy. I don't gratify them with returning the favor. I'm stuck and I'm here and I want to be happy. I get happiness from God, and I'm craving it like no other . . .